I'm Not Going To Be Here
by Kime Tara
Summary: [Complete] Cloud:Tifa; Post-Meteor - Three times, Tifa let Cloud go and was waiting for his return...
1. Chapter 1

**I'm Not Going To Be Here**

By Kimetara

Multi-part

Disclaimer: Is FFVII mine?  Nope...

          "Cloud?"  Tifa jumped off her porch and ran toward the stumbling blond.  "Oh my gosh!  Where have you been?"

          Cloud shrugged.  "Here and there.  I didn't think you'd be up..."  It was 3 am in the morning.

          Tifa just shook her head.  "Come on...let's get you something to eat.  You look famished."

~~~~~

          "Hey Cloud."

          "Hi Tifa."  Cloud scratched the back of his head, still holding the reins of his chocobo.  "How've things been?"

          "It's been okay," she answered quietly.  "We really missed you last month.  Christmas was lonely...you were the only one gone.  Even Vincent was there."

          "Oh..."  

          "Well...here Cloud, I'll help you with Mint."  Tifa gently took the reins of the gold chocobo.  "Why don't you wash up?" she suggested, leading Mint through the falling snow.

          Tifa listened, holding his hand, nodding sympathetically as Cloud told her, again, how he felt that something wasn't right, how he always had the urge to search for something.  How it almost constantly gnawed at him, never leaving him be...an emptiness in his soul.

          Tifa knew exactly what he was talking about.

~~~~~

          "Hello Cloud," Tifa walked over to him.  "How have you been for the past six weeks?"

          "Uh...alright," Cloud answered, scratching the back of his head.  "How about you?"

          "It's been...the usual.  Welcome back to Nibelheim.  I'll be in my house if you need me."

          From her room, Tifa watched through her window as Cloud took care of his chocobo and entered his door.

          *_This is it.*_

_          *This is the third time he's left and come back.*_

_          *This is the last...*_

          When Cloud had first disappeared, Tifa had accepted it.  It hurt her terribly, but it wasn't as if it was unexpected.

          However, Tifa didn't want to become the sad little puppy, always waiting for her master to come back.  She promised herself, she'd let him go three times.

          No more.

          His three times were up.

          *_Cloud...this is your last chance, Cloud_.*

          She wished she could tell him that.

          Two months later, Cloud was gone again.

          Tifa watched, as in the dead of the night, Cloud saddled up Mint and left.

          He always left at night.

          Did he think she didn't know?

          Of course she knew when he was leaving.  It was as if an alarm went off in her head that something was wrong.

          Well, this time she wouldn't be here when he came back.

          Tifa looked around her room.  Everything she needed, she had packed already – Cloud's distracted actions for the past few days had tipped her off.

          She glanced at her desk, bit her lip, then picked up a pen and began to write.

          Tifa didn't bother signing it.  He'd know who it was from.

          She stared at her poem for a moment.  At first she meant to write a letter, but...that was just too hard.  It had always been easier for her to express emotions in poems – they had few strict standards, and could easily bend to fit her confusing emotions.

          Tifa sighed as she sealed her "letter" in an envelope.  They fighter pulled on her Premium Heart, picked up her satchel, and walked toward the item shop.

          Once there, she pulled the envelope out.  "Mr. Monoe?"

          "Ah, Tifa.  How may I help you?" Mr. Monoe asked pleasantly.  Tifa was one of his best customers, and he considered her a good young lass.

          She smiled, albeit a bit sadly, and handed him the envelope.  "The next time Cloud comes...could you give him this?"

          Mr. Monoe looked at her silently. As a man well into his fifties, he knew enough about the world to tell a broken heart when he saw one.  "Maybe you better give it to him yourself, lass."  It always seemed to work out better that way.

          Tifa hesitated, then shook her head.  "Please."

          Sighing, he accepted the letter.  "Very well then.  Take care of yourself, Tifa," he advised, his gaze falling on her bag.

          She nodded slightly, smiled that sad smile once more, and turned away.

~~~~~

          Cloud rode into town, tired and dust covered.  Wearily, he trudged to his house, and tied up his chocobo.  While he was tying up the large bird, a slight feeling of alarm rose in his mind.

          *_Tifa should have been here by now.*_  

          She had always been here.  No matter what time of the day or what season, Tifa was always there, greeting him and checking that he was okay.

          *_Wonder where she is...?_*  Cloud shrugged. She was probably out doing something.  After all, he couldn't really expect her to be right there the moment he got back, despite the past three times.

          Cloud felt a twinge of guilt at the thought.  He knew he always hurt Tifa's feelings whenever he left, but...he just needed to get away so badly now and then.

          *_Now and then?  Come on, you haven't been able to stay put for even three months,_* his self-conscious mocked him.

          He shook it off and went inside.

          As the day progressed, and there was still no sign of Tifa, Cloud's sense of worry grew.  Sure, she could have just gone to visit Barret or Red, but...  She was _always_ here.  Without fail.  It was some sort of uncanny sixth sense, he guessed, but Tifa was always, always there when he returned.  

          His tiredness alleviated by a cool shower and a quick nap, the blond ex-SOLDIER headed into town, searching for his best friend.

          Cloud sighed, frustrated.  He'd looked through almost the entire town, even the old Shinra mansion...  Cloud strode inside the item shop, looking for something to drink during his search through the Nibel Mountains.

          *_Why am I looking so hard for her anyway?_* he questioned.  *_Why won't I just wait until she comes back?  She can't be gone for very long..._*  Still, he felt unsettled, and Cloud knew better than to ignore his gut feeling.

          "Hey, you there."  Cloud glanced up, catching sight of the owner of the store.

          "Mr. Monoe?"

          "Yes...I have something for you, Cloud."

          *_Something for me?_*  Cloud rose and followed the old man, who waved him over to the counter.

          "Here."  Mr. Monoe handed Cloud an envelope.  "I was beginning to think I'd never be able to give to you.  Been holding onto it for over a month now."

          Cloud turned the envelope over.  It was blank.  "Who-" he began, but the old man had already turned away.

          Cloud rose and eyebrow and shrugged.  Stepping outside, he opened the letter.

_Dear Cloud,_

          It was in Tifa's handwriting.  Cloud began to read in earnest, wondering where she was and why Mr. Monoe had been holding a letter from her for over a month.

_It wasn't as if_

_Pain was new to me_

_It wasn't like_

_I couldn't see_

_All the sorrow you brought to me_

          Cloud brow's furrowed.  He knew how well acquainted she was with pain, but what did she mean, sorrow he brought her?  

_So why did I stay_

_And take it so long?_

_Why didn't I leave_

_When it all went wrong?_

          Cloud's confusion heightened.  What on earth was she talking about...?  Take what so long?  What went wrong?

          Was it all the times he left...?

_You'll have to find_

_That answer on your own_

_(...as if you even care...)_

          *_What?_*  Of course he cared!  But what was the matter?

_Because I'm not going to be here this time_

Cloud blinked, and stopped trying to decode Tifa's letter.  There was something terribly wrong with this...

          He started over from the beginning.

_Dear Cloud,_

_It wasn't as if_

_Pain was new to me_

_It wasn't like_

_I couldn't see_

_All the sorrow you brought to me_

_So why did I stay_

_And take it so long?_

_Why didn't I leave_

_When it all went wrong?_

_You'll have to find_

_That answer on your own_

_(...as if you even care...)_

_Because I'm not going to be here this time_

_I've finally had enough_

_I'm not going to be here this time..._

_You'll have to find your own way_

_Through the tough spots_

_I'm not going to hold your hand_

_And tell you it's alright_

_I'm not going to mask my hurt_

_Only to cry until morning's light_

_I'm not going to watch your back_

_You'll have to watch your own_

_And if you hate me for leaving like that_

_Just think, how long have you been gone?_

_Maybe I didn't mean anything_

_Maybe you'll feel nothing at my loss_

_Maybe you won't even recognize_

_What I went through while you were gone_

_At any rate_

_You've gone again_

_But this time_

_I'm going too_

_And I'm not going to be here this time_

_I'm not waiting for you anymore_

_I'm not going to be here this time_

_Welcoming you to an empty home_

_Best wishes and traveler's luck...****_

          It wasn't signed.  It didn't need to be.  It had "Tifa" written all over it, in her writing, in her stationary, in the slight scent of her favorite perfume.

          Cloud slowly started walking, to nowhere in particular, rereading parts of Tifa's letter.  Had he hurt her that badly?

          He folded the letter back up and stuck it in his pocket.  She was just overreacting...Tifa always had been so sensitive.

         That sense of guilt was back.  He _knew_ she was sensitive.  But...he just had to leave.  He had to go away, to find peace with himself.

          *_For weeks at a time?_*

          He really was beginning to hate his conscience.

AN: It's a CloTi!  And with a cliché plot, at that.  O_o;;  Ack, I know I said I dropped out of the CloTi fandom, but hey...I haven't read any in a while, so they don't seem as repetitive as before.  Besides...I just got the inspiration, might as well use it, right?

As for the poem...er...I've kind of gotten on a poetry kick lately.  ^_^;;  Been writing one per day for the past four days...

Anyway, please R&R! 


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm Not Going To Be Here**

By Kimetara

Multi-part: Complete

Disclaimer: I haven't become any richer since the previous chapter.

          Cloud lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

          The urge to leave was back.

          *_Already?_*  Usually it held off for at least a month.  This time it hadn't lasted a day.

          The ex-SOLDIER rolled out of bed, landing softly on his feet.  Without Tifa, there was nothing at Nibelheim he needed to stay for.

~~~~~

          Cloud fought the monsters of Mideel until he was worn through.  Bone-weary, his entire body aching, the blond climbed on Mint and headed to the City of Ancients.

          It was some sort of strange ritual for Cloud.  Fight over and over, day after day without rest, until he couldn't even lift his sword without aching. Then, he'd climb on Mint and head up to Aeris' grave.  It brought a sort of peace, releasing his pent-up emotions fighting, then paying tribute to the dead Ancient.

          This time though, there was a difference.  Peace couldn't find him like it usually had...

          He sighed, wishing he could talk to Tifa.  She always had some sort of comfort – words of advice, a reassuring smile, or just sitting by him and listening.

*****

_I'm not going to hold your hand_

_And tell you it's alright_

*****

          Cloud carefully drew the letter she had written to him from his pocket, and reread it over again.

          What had she meant?  How could she just disappear like that?

          Two lines, out of all of them, mocked him the most.  Two lines kept him from being angry at Tifa for leaving.

*****

_And if you hate me for leaving like that_

_Just think, how long have you been gone?_

*****

          He couldn't be angry with her for not being there...  Since Meteor, he never was for her.

          ...he'd been so busy trying to figure out what he was missing in his soul, he completely ignored the tear in hers...

          Cloud sighed, the realization sinking in heavily as the cool wind of the lake swirled around him.  Now that he saw that, he realized it was practically screamed throughout the whole poem.

          He had hurt without healing.  While she'd guided him through his tough spots, he'd ignored hers.

          He'd never comforted her, or told her she'd be okay.  He never paid attention to the redness in her eyes when she first stepped out in the morning.

          He'd never thanked her for all the times she'd covered for him in need. He'd left her over and over, never acknowledging how much it hurt.

          Cloud squeezed his eyes shut, guilt and loss rising through him.

          He didn't sleep that night either.  He lay, staring at the barely visible spiral design of the shell house.

*****

_Maybe I didn't mean anything_

_Maybe you'll feel nothing at my loss_

*****

          *_Did she really think that?  How could she?_* Cloud rolled on his side, hugging his pillow.  Despite his understanding of why she was gone, the sense of "something missing" returned to him stronger than ever.  Tifa had been his anchor...to his past, to AVALANCHE...and after the Lifestream, to himself.

          He left Nibelheim, knowing he'd be back to see her.  The only reason he called it "home" was because she was there to make him come back.  After all, he couldn't leave his best friend, the one he owed his life – no, his very _identity_ – alone, could he?

          Where was she?

          He _needed_ her to be there.

          Cloud felt his chest tighten, and he squeezed the pillow tighter.

          *_Tifa...  Tifa, is this how you felt when I left?_*  The thought didn't help the swelling in his throat.  *_I'm sorry..._*

          Cloud was shocked when he felt the trail of a water droplet down his cheek.  *_Is it raining?_* he thought, confused.  Not that these houses leaked anyway...

          It wasn't raining.

          *_Why?_* he asked himself, shaking.  He hadn't cried since Aeris' death.  Tifa (hopefully) wasn't dead...

          But she was to him.  She'd left him, and it was because of his own stupidity.

          He _needed_ her to be _here_.

          With him.

          Cloud closed his eyes, feeling the tears trickling down his face.

          He drifted off to sleep with wet lashes.

          The next day, when Cloud rose, his resolution was set.

          He'd find her.

          Tifa.

~~~~~

          Tifa sat in the sand, watching the ocean waves move gently in and out.  Behind her rose the mountains of Wutai.  As the sun set, she stepped back into the materia cave she'd been living in for the past five months.

~~~~~

          "You haven't seen her either, Yuffie?" Cloud asked, a haggard expression on his face.

          "No, sorry..."  Yuffie frowned at the hidden edge of despair in Cloud's voice.  "You don't look so good, Cloud..." she cautioned.

          "I'm okay," he answered automatically.

          Yuffie raised an eyebrow.  "Sure, but if you keel over, remember, I tried to help," she responded nonchalantly.

          That got a small grin out of Cloud.  "Thanks."

          "No prob."  The small ninja watched as Cloud began to leave Wutai.  "You sure you don't wanna spend the night or something?" she offered.

          Cloud shook his head and kept walking.

          On the outskirts of Wutai, Cloud fed Mint and sighed.  He'd been looking for Tifa for the past four months.

          "What if I never find her, boy?" he murmured.  Mint warked softly.

          Exhausted, Cloud climbed onto his chocobo's back.  He'd gotten barely three hours of sleep in the past three days.

          He clucked Mint into an easy jog, before finally giving in.

          Mint paused, listening.  He knew his rider trusted him not to make stupid mistakes while he was sleeping.

          Of course, he also knew that his rider told him to go east before he fell asleep.

          Mint ruffled his feathers for a moment, then turned and headed south.

          Cloud woke up in the middle of the night, feeling slighter better for his long nap.  Glancing around, he was surprised to see he was only just south of the Wutai Mountains.

          "Mint?  Why'd you go here?" he asked his gold chocobo, knowing the bird wouldn't be able to answer.  Indeed, Mint didn't even acknowledge Cloud's query, but continued eating.

          Cloud shrugged.  Maybe he'd just taken a wrong turn.  Or maybe the greens were tastier here.  Didn't matter, he'd just go west now.

          However, when Cloud attempted to guide Mint away, the chocobo ignored him.  Cloud tugged on the reins harder, but the chocobo only responded with an annoyed "warkk" and went on feeding.

          Cloud watched, amused at his own helplessness.  He could have jerked the reins, but he couldn't bring himself to be so harsh to his chocobo – Mint had, after all, put up with all his traipsing for the past 16 months.

          *_Was it really that long since Meteor?_*  It seemed so close...and yet, it seemed further ago.

          *_Sixteen months..._*  And only five of those had he spent with Tifa.

          Cloud shook his head, ridding himself of that train of thought.  He slid off of Mint's back – the chocobo would be ready to leave eventually.  Until then...the blond figured he might as well check up on the Mime materia cave – it was around here, and it wasn't as if there was anywhere else for him to go at the moment.

          The moonlight proved an almost ethereal shine to the near-desert landscape as Cloud walked slowly along the peninsula.  When the entrance of the cave finally rose to his eyes, he thought he saw a flicker of movement.  Cloud dismissed the thought as a trick of the night.

          And yet...  A hundred feet from the entrance, a figure began to take form.  The stars glinted silver from her long hair, and as he grew closer, he saw her face gain a pure, angelic quality.

          Cloud felt a rush through his body.  Was it...?

          Tifa.

         He stopped a foot away from her.  At one point he had begun to run, although he couldn't remember when.  Her warm, poignant wine eyes seemed to pour through his soul.

          "Tifa," he whispered, his eyes darting over her still form.  He could smell the lovely scent of her perfume, and he wasn't sure whether he was dreaming.

          "Hey Cloud," she answered quietly.  Her voice hadn't changed from its soft, gentle tone.

         That was enough to convince Cloud.  He swept Tifa up in a crushing hug, burying his face in her deep hair.

          Abruptly, he set her back down on the ground, although not removing his arms from her waist.

          "What did you think you were _doing_?" he demanded fiercely.  "Do you know what I've been going through?"

          Tifa felt hope rise within her at his words, but she quickly quelled the emotion. She'd had her hopes dashed too often to raise them now.

          *_But he found me, didn't he?_*  "What have you been going through, Cloud?" she asked carefully, restraining the urge to return the SOLDIER's embrace.

          "I've been looking for you for the past four months!  I've hardly slept, hardly eaten, I haven't talked to anybody unless it was to ask where you were!" he yelled – not because angry, but just from all the energy he seemed to regain from finding her.  "I've darn well been going crazy!"

          "Why?"

          Tifa's whisper seemed to still the air as Cloud considered his reply.

          "...because you're my best friend," he spoke at last.  The words came easily from years of use, but they didn't seem quite...right.

          "Oh..."  Tifa began to pull away.  She was shocked when Cloud's arms only tightened around her.

          "No," he mused, "that's not right..."  Tifa barely caught the words, but she heard enough to make her stop breathing.

          "Not right?" she pressed.  *_Maybe..._* sang a rhythm in her heart.  *_Maybe..._*

          "Tifa...why did you stay?" he asked finally, locking eyes with hers.

          "...what do you mean?" she replied.  She knew what he meant.

          "In your letter."  Cloud had memorized every verse by heart.  "Why...did you stay?"

          She turned her face away.  "...didn't I say you'd have to find that answer on your own?"

          There was a silence.  "...it wasn't empty, Tifa," Cloud responded finally.

          Tifa turned him a questioning glance.

          "It was home...because you were there," he breathed, before pulling the brunette closer for a deep kiss.

          Fireworks exploded in Tifa's eyes as her knees gave way.  A strange, dizzy feeling seemed to wash over her, and she wrapped her arms around Cloud's strong form to keep from losing her balance.

          Molten lava poured through her body...she could have stayed like that forever.

          But Tifa forced her eyes open.  She forced herself to pull away, to place her hands on Cloud's chest and push him from her.

          Tifa's breath trembled as Cloud stared at her, his own breathing slightly ragged.  His clear azure eyes were dark, and Tifa couldn't bring herself to hold his gaze.

          "No."  Her voice seemed to come out slightly strangled.  "That's not going to be enough, Cloud."

          He was still.  For a moment, Tifa was afraid he was angry with her, but the blond leader only nodded.  "...I know."

          It was quiet again.  Tifa stayed silent, giving Cloud his time to think.

          "...you love me?" he asked at last.  His voice seemed awfully uncertain, although it was obvious he tried to hide it.

          Tifa exhaled.  *_Now or never..._*  "Yes," she whispered, "I love you, Cloud."

          Cloud didn't speak.  Did he love her back?  He couldn't say so if he didn't, and those words...they were so huge.  They meant so much.  He had to be sure...

          Cloud went back, over the turmoil of emotions he'd experienced in the past five months.  Over the guilt of not being there.  Over the feeling of loss when he realized she was gone.  Over the fear and dread he'd never find her, or worse, find her dead...  The thought was enough to make his throat constrict and his stomach churn.

          He went over the exhilaration that had caught him and swept him away when he found her.  He recalled the staggering effects of the kiss they'd just shared a moment ago.

          He remembered...he remembered how much pleasure it had given him when he'd comforted her.  He'd forgotten in the excitement of Meteor's destruction, but he remembered now.

          And more than that...he just _felt_ complete.  Tifa in his arms, close to his heart...

          "I love you too, Tifa," Cloud answered.  And words were right.

          Tifa smiled, joy showing through her entire body.  The moonlight shone in her eyes as she hugged Cloud tightly, laying her head on his chest.  Cloud pulled her closer again, and the pair stood there, swaying to the night rhythm of the ocean waves.

AN: And there's my two-part CloTi – also my break from my other multi-parts.  ^_^;;  To be honest, for a while I considered lengthening it (since two parts _is_ pretty short), but I already have two multi-parts going on, plus there isn't as much to explain in Cloud/Tifa's since their past and connection and all that's already laid out during the game.

Well, please R&R!

Oh yes, a note to those who've read "Junon Interrogation" – Uh, I'm sorry, but I'm not planning for a sequel of that fic.  *ducks*  Wait wait!  I DO have a Rufus/Tifa multi-part in mind, and I'll start posting it once I'm done with at least one of my other multi-parts.

Started: September 17, 2002

Finished: September 18, 2002


End file.
